Day 12: February 12

Good morrrrning.  Early start to today, but I like that.  Honestly, Saturdays are still meant for play in my book.  Even if I do happen to work.Getting out early.  Which is nice.  :)

I brought the peanut butter chocolate chunk cookies to work today.  The other batch. I'm giving them away to coworkers.  People are wildly impressed with the fleur de sel, and man, I long for a cookie.  It's kinda sad that I don't get to have one today.  Ha. Sad is probably a strong word, but there is this idea of "mourning a food" that I have been thinking about lately.  There is an emotional tie to food, obviously, and even though I don't want a cookie for reasons of hunger or nourishment, I do want a cookie because I made them, and they're fun, and I want to enjoy them with other people.  I think sometimes I'm just going to feel excluded on this diet, like certain things people eat aren't really my "cultural property" anymore.  I honestly think that emotional tie to some foods is going to be the thing that will lead me astray, or "back" as it were.  Like, I can't imagine not eating my Mom's Swedish Meatballs on Easter, if she makes them. NOT eating those would make me sad.  Or maybe I'm just thinking it would.  In the moment, I might just go, "That's okay, I'll eat this thing that she made instead."  Honestly, no single food choice I make is going to say who I am, or who I'm not. It's the accumulation of choices which will define who I am, as an eater.  If someday, I want to have a swedish meatball, if what I really really really want is to have a swedish meatball--I will have one.  I will make that choice. 

But today, I'm not having a cookie.

Instead, I'm enjoying the cookies through giving them to other people.  It's not as sensual and direct and delicious a way to enjoy food--but here, I'm the baker.  I'm the maker.  I'm not the eater.  But I'm still part of the chain of giving and eating food.  And I think that's fine. 

I never imagined food would be such a huge part of who I am.  I think maybe it's because I'm such a pensive, thoughtful person to begin with.  Whatever I do means a lot to me.  So it would make sense that food would follow suit.

I think I might buy a vegan cookie today so that if my date wants to eat the cookies while I'm there, I can share in that.  With my own vegan cookie.  It's a little forced, it's a little lame, it's not as spontaneous, but it's about making sure that I feel included in a ritual that means a lot to me.  The breaking of bread. Or the eating of cookies.  As it were.