Day 9: February 9

Today was kind of an annoying day.

It started with an unsuccessful trip to the DMV.  I think the stress of traveling next week to Austin is kinda weighing on me.  While I am very excited, I'm also a little scared and nervous.  I know I have a long way to go with how I eat and how I exercise.  It's sort of intimidating right now.  Even though I stepped on the scale this morning and saw that I'd lost 2 and a half lbs this week.  Which is great.  I have to say it--that's great.  But it's not really enough for me right now.

Yeah. More than anything, I'm just really eager to go on this trip.  Eagerness coupled with a BIT of anxiety.  Those things--excitement and nervousness--usually make me want to emotionally eat.  Every time.  Man, I wish I was one of those people who COULDN'T eat when they got nervous or excited.  I EAT, dude.  Like before dates--I eat.  Before tests--I used to eat.  Before acting in plays--I ate.   Ha.  Eating is THERE, man.  And I want to eat badly.  Right now, I want to have a meat stromboli from Grandpa's Pizza down the street.  It's not the most delicious stromboli in the world, but it's got like five kinds of meat and I want it right now. I also want a couple of beers.  Hell.  And a bourbon.

Not going to eat that stuff though.  Man.  I know I wouldn't even really enjoy it.  I'd eat it so fast.  I'd get heartburn.  My stomach would be gross afterward and my, um, bathroom habits (THERE I SAID IT!) wouldn't be as awesome as they are on a vegan diet.  So I'm not going to have a freaking meat stromboli.  Okay?!  Okay.

Ha.

I went to the gym today for about 45 minutes.  The workout bored me.  I couldn't really get into it.  I wasn't getting a really good "burn" as they say.  I'm spinning my wheels today.  Which is okay.  Not every day is going to be a huge success.    Some days are gonna be so blah.  Today's a blah today. Yesterday I was woozy.  I think part of me is kinda shutting down because I know there's a vacation/immersion/retreat in my near future.  And it's hard to stay really excited about being in New York City right now.

I just know I'm on the cusp of something so awesome.  And it's getting hard staying who I am and where I am--but it's also hard to take the plunge.  My heart's in this, it is. 

But it's not completely in it all the time. That's the truth.  Actually, I'm not sure it will be in it all the time EVER.  I think I will ALWAYS BATTLE THIS.  This eating junky food thing.  But that has to become the status quo--I have to be comfortable with that--and STILL resist the bad things that got me chubby.

But I know if anything is gonna get my heart completely into it, the trip to Austin is going to help my heart get completely into it.  I'm not counting on it to do everything for me.  But I know it will be simultaneously stimulate and relax me, challenge me and comfort me.  I'm going to do everything I can to make this immersion count.

That's the promise.

And for now--the promise is to eat broccoli, seitan and brown rice for dinner.

Little promises--the ones I can keep--will fuel my success. 

Love, Kelly